So what’s led me to want to revitalize this blog again? It comes down to these four things: 1) I want to practice writing things that I can finish more easily (and want to finish), 2) I am burnt out from work, 3) I want to publicly document bits of this chapter of my life, and gosh darn it 4) I just want to create stuff.
With most days still feeling paused yet really cyclical, I often feel that I am staring into the void or shouting into it. But Fran, is that what writing blog posts is? Sure, yes it is, but it still stands that writing for me is a process and practice that helps me make sense of the world and the way I navigate it. It’s the medium I’m most comfortable with but am still expanding through and growing within my life.
For me, there are distinct differences between writing on the internet or in any public fashion, versus in personal journaling. I imagine this is the case for many and of course, there are overlaps in the actual process of writing, no matter what it’s being written for. Regardless of if and when this ever gets read by someone other than myself, writing on a publicly accessible in a tiny part of the internet makes me feel more accountable to finish writing something. These two videos made by Evelyn from the Internets on why it’s important to finish things and to not be afraid to be seen trying have stuck with me.
Writing is a bit self-serving for me, I must admit. It’s a mix of self-care, a lot of overthinking, and sometimes integrating self-doubt and fear to the path of self-acceptance, which for me, usually means to just do the thing before I stand in my way for no good reason (in this case, writing and publishing blog posts again). On a genuine, beyond-me-and-about-my-purpose sentiment, maybe these writings and posts will help someone else make sense of something or feel a little less alone. That would be a small but great impact I hope to impart to anyone who would read anything I write.
In the professional, career-oriented jobs I’ve held, I do quite a bit of writing. Is it the type of writing that I want to do? No. Did I learn some new skills? Most definitely. Has it put me on a path for following my dreams? Yes, but as in many of my self-reflections and life manifesting practices, not in the way I imagined.
Which leads me to burnout. I used to think of burnout only being caused by overworking and having long hours or a poor work-life balance. What I learned over the last few months, is that burnout is also caused by unclear expectations that are more like moving targets, lack of social support (either in the workplace and/or in one’s personal life), and lack of resources needed to complete the work.
Until I learned more about these other factors which are directly related to the amount of time working or boundaries, I had never considered myself as someone who has experienced burnout. I’ve appreciated the work-life balance and boundaries I’ve respected in various workplaces. Real talk though, if you’re Googling “how do I know I’m burnout” beyond Sunday Scaries like I have, you might be burnt out. My own story of burnout is for another blog post at a later time.
So what is this chapter of my life and why I want to document it? Needless to say (but I am going to say because that’s how this phrase works), 2020 was a lot. Unnerving, the year revealed the most horrendous parts of humanity’s existence that have always existed and led to all these crises. Crises that are caused by capitalistic power and most disproportionately and negatively affect the marginalized and disposed communities the capital owning groups have exploited to gain such power! There is immense resilience and joy to be experienced, too, which I have a difficult time remembering let alone experiencing. For reference, I Googled “how to get more serotonin” before I started writing this. But I’m not here for spiritual bypassing or conspirituality. Regardless, I digress. All of this is for other blog posts.
Amidst all of the reckonings of oppressive structures that humanity’s built for itself, I started therapy again in April 2020. I was living alone in West LA. The initial lockdown and being cut off from face-to-face social support brought up some traumatic memories from the last time in my life when I was forced to be alone.
I thought in therapy I’d talk about how much I hate humanity’s systems of oppression and just talk a bunch of shit, which I guess does happen, but the discussion turns to how I’ve been unearthing how these systems and ideologies manifest in my personal life and learned to condition (mostly patriarchy and white supremacy, but you know, they’re all connected). If you know me, angry is the last way I’d describe myself. Only a few people have ever truly seen me angry, but it’s something I’ve seen much more of myself recently in private self-reflection. I’ve been reading Love and Rage, as recommended by a creative writing teacher, to metabolize said anger. Shout out to my therapist and all the well-space holding therapists, and mentors, and communities out there. I appreciate y’all so much.
Since living back at home, these paused yet really cyclical feeling days have led to a lot of self-reflection. I keep asking myself the same questions, what do I want to do with my life? What things do I need to do every day to feel like I had a soul-filled day? Where do I want to be and who do I want to be with at the apocalypse? That last one is intense, but honestly, the mood I was in after watching the final season of The Good Place was one emotional factor that led me to move back in with my parents.
I’m at a point where the answers to those questions are becoming more clear. I can’t say too much in the public forum of the internet as much of this chapter of my life is continuing to unfold. I will say, that writing has given me the agency again to be the dreamer and doer of my own life. Writing is one of the answers to the question what do I need to do every day to feel like I had a soul-filled day.
With that, writing is how I’m creating right now. I struggle with the concept of a content creator or titles of creative as it’s tied up with social media and for-profit marketing. But hey, I can respect it and acknowledge the hustle (but also, re above: burnout).
Anyway, shouting into the void, at least I know my voice is out there. Come join me and let’s catch up.